Saturday, November 27, 2010

Memories are bitches...

“Memory is often unfair, on account of excessive indulgence” Alessandro Perissinotto

Memory, its a bitch, I like it calling that way, that would get laid whenever you desire but would give you some of the worst moments and form another set of similar bitches to get laid with you in future.Usually things that come from your past appear more shining than they were actually or you remember just the good of what’s in your past. Sometimes you just stop and wonder what went wrong. And then you start analyzing them and then comes the worst part. Everything that happens for a good reason. Reason my foot. How come some situations no longer hold if you were so happy and/or thoughtless? We tend to forget that whatever you decide there is a reason, whatever it is and however trivial it is. Past is charming because is so sure and fixed. Future, on the contrary is always blank, or sometimes very black (obscure). Of whatever colour, you picture it, what you know about it is practically useless. But the deception stands in the fact that instead of taking a pen and writing down the blank we are suggested by bitches to sit back and stare at what is no more your life. It simply does not exist anymore. Deceivers rely on that. The reason is that if it did not make it to stay in you present maybe was not worth of it or more simply it was not so beautiful as it appears now. And that just the reason why when you satrt anlyzing a bad bitch the very next bitch that got laid would appear as nice experience although the problem was you forgot the bitchy bitch.

Self indulgence is the sin that everybody committed at least once, in my opinion, and for this reason the word "sin" is maybe too strong. well, it happens, and it happens often, you forget the name of the girl in school who first gave a you hitch, you forget what your father once told was a bad habbit and now you're addicted to it, you forget the day you joined college, you forget the day when you first kissed your girl and then you got a flat tire back home that night, and it was raining too. Or maybe you forget something more relevant, for example you fail to remember how useless your work in your office turned out to be, or why your manager chose that argument for you, or why the girl you loved so much doesn't wants someone to love her. All this just to say it's in human nature to forget something, and then your mind prefers to forget what makes it feel uneasy.

This is not always bad, sometimes it helps, sometimes it's just fine to forget why you were happy and why you were unhappy, so you can be happy again, you don't loose hope, you can make yourself think tomorrow it will be better. But what you mean here is probably the other side of the story, when you forget what you've done wrong and then do it wrong time and again, like you get caught in a loop from which escaping is very, very difficult.

A recipe to solve the issue? Probably I'm not the best person to answer this question, got too many loops of my own to have a good answer, but as long as you can analyze your past you can extract valuable experience from it, and not everything that comes out of the attic is something that says "thou shalt not." The good part about past is that you can always remember what was good back then, you can remember you were happy back at that point in space. You say, it doesn't exist any more? I'd say this is not true, time is a dimension you cannot walk on backwards, but it is still a real dimension, in my opinion and to say that I need not be a philosopher ot a physicist. Happiness is still there, it will not help you just because of this but it exists. Everything passes, but everything existed once can exist again. In the smallest canopy that is giving me run for myself is the trusted sequence of events that have worked for me in past and I hope them to work. Maybe they would create another bad bitch sometimes or quite a few times, but again, I would forget those bitches and njoy my time with those lovely bitches from good time in past in future.

Maybe few years from now I would forget all of this too, all the worst times that I'm having now, all the bloody girly excuses that I'm facing now from the girl whom I loved the most, all the crappy thoughts that are crawling from toe to head. But now I realize that "every thing happens for a reason" is perfectly fine but not neccessarily for a good one!! They do happen, and leave you with bad street bitches. Anyways njoy your time with them too, afterall they too are bitches at the end they wouldn't stay with you after the first rays of sunlight from the next day :)

I don't come with a switch!!

(**Read the first para carefully... because rest of the post posses all the powers to break any kinda relationships that we share.)

Do you feel used at times? Like an emotional backup?
Sometimes I do... and I don't exactly like that feeling. One those who think I'm there pillow who would just listen to them without revolting, go get a life. And if I do listen to you and try to keep the conversation normal then, that means this post isn't for you :) so stop reading.

When the going is good,I do not exist, I run away, I hide anything everything but I'm not there.I could be anything, anywhere, another insignificant thread that makes up life, another piece of trouble that I would creating for myself. This is the way you feel in your good times or not bad times. But when faced with adversity, I become relevant? I become an anchor to shore issues? To listen/ to advice...much like that inverter at home.No power, switch on the inverter. Else, it is just another device that gathers dust in some confine, till power goes off.

Unfortunately, I am not an inverter. I am a human being who can think and thinks a lot, and react. Makes things a lot more complicated and I can bet that you may end up in even more deep shit. And makes me wonder how people treat relationships with so much objectivity - like it is another device that helps you get through life - with an on/off switch! Relationships aren't like regular lights on which you have control. Rather it has no resemblance to anything in and around you.

Dinah Shore said " Trouble is part of your life, and if you don't share it, you don't give the person who loves you enough chance to love you enough". Personally, I think the measure of a relationship is not how much they share during adversity, I think it is how much you share when nothing of significance is happening in each others lives. That is in what I believe.

That, is the true measure of a relationship. I mean if you're in bad mood, bad shape, bad hair or even bad dress; I wouldn't mind sitting next to you and talking to you in the usual way... try to remember the last time I was in a bad mood and I didn't talked to you in the usual way. Anyways that's me and it's fault from my part to expect everyone to have a similar view. And I think some of mine score on a negative scale on this!!

I may sound like ass hole to someone, like disaster to someone but again I can't help it... at least I have told you how I feel. And if now you have started disliking me, FINE, welcome to the club :)

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Thoughts tied to red and yellow threads from cieling of head...

I have all that vary thoughts dangling from colorful threads from ceiling of my head. Then I decided that I would collect these thoughts and try to write them down. I wanted to do so because of the fear of loosing those precious thoughts. Maybe in reality they aren't worth a dime but few years down the line they would be snapshot of my head now :) And who the hell in this world doesn't wants to relive their past. People obliviously obviously have different reasons to do so but I just want to preserve them just for myself so that I can revisit them in future.Anyways that's not important, what matters is what are those thoughts. Well lets begin how all that starts.

One day I met someone from an alien place. Then I started questioning her. Are you flummoxed by Physics as I am? Do you write like I do? Who is your role model? Do you know the history of your this place? Or this country? have you read To Kill a Mocking Bird? Have you watched Life is Beautiful? Are you loud, like me, or quiet, like sober me? Can I hear your soft laugh? Do you too have so many things to tell as do I? And have fear that you'll forget them? Things that maybe too trivial in few years.Do you believe in God? Well this part was all Q&A and if you're thinking that why was I asking so many questions? Then guess what, I do so always inside my mind whenever you're in front of me. But if ever I had a chance to put all those questions too you, bet me you would be nowhere near to me from the next moment :). Well these are my thoughts so they behaved the way I desire them too :)

What happened next to this conversation was some kinky fun and I believe that isn't relevant here. Next to that I was kinda preaching her. Preaching her picking up my randoms thoughts from my heads ceiling. It went as:

You have to be strong and believe in yourself, like Atticus, but with that, never loose the innocence of Scout. Never forget your ambitions, even the ones lost or changed. They have strange ways of cropping up again and fitting into your life. Am I a vet or an editor? Or do I work for the Indian Administrative Service? Never, ever make the mistake of convincing yourself that your instinct is wrong. If something looks or feels wrong, then it most probably is. Trust your instinct. Enjoy each day like it’s the last one you’ll live. Is this saying still a cliché? I dream big, and I watch my dreams fall. Right now, I have the strength to rise and so do you. So baby dream and dream and the most important don't ever forget or deny your dreams.

Is this a selfish post? In a way, yes, but it’s heartfelt.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

The girl with White plastic earring and Yellow top...

There has been a voice in my head lately. Another battle begins. This time, the irrational side of me has badly beaten me. Of course, when it comes to a huge depletion in the inner-self, it's better be an impulse that cause it. It has to. So maybe I've reached nirvana today by all the pain. I hear this calling... It's been calling for me, Staring right at me.. I believe it's a sign! Again a fucking sign, haunting and daunting me. One that insists the difference between 'things good to have' and 'things must have'. I believe it has also been a battle of the mind when it comes to that.

Still the so-called rationale side of me still has that tiny bit of lucky streak over it's side and that is why she is not sitting around. This very moment, i could have been staring at it.. playing with it.. maybe even fondling with it. *ahem* I have even prepared the world. Imagined it all around me.

So many encounters just when the world was ripped apart... I believe when it is destined that you would screwed one of the big time the entire universe conspires for the same. That very and every moment I don't have any emotions and neither do I try to get one from back of my brain. But still why has it always be that way.

It has to be it. It was lost and it's meant to be found, if not, forgotten and respected for all those lovely feelings that it gave.

So this morning, again I had some intuition and I tried every way by the book trying to avoid it but, again it... darn it, would it end or another freaking sign that it wouldn't ever :(

I need a break from all this, and god trust me I'm not at all ready and prepared for all the signs or your tantrums that you're throwing on me. Any ways as usual the take away: Life is tough and can seriously burn you giving you some of the worst boils just when you thought it was as you desired.

But to overcome all that can anyone tell me a way by which I can be rational with all my principals intact and please if you know please do tell me...

Monday, November 1, 2010


Trust!! hmm... let us see; what does trust exactly means? How do you define trust? Or a question that makes more sense, why the hell in this world do I need to explore what is trust. Maybe I don't, maybe the world is beautiful than Moon and I don;t need to add any crap more to it. But yet again and again, even without my indulgence trust is one thing that make s this society run, trust is one thing that makes a evolutionary speaking, trust is one thing that political, economist, psychologist & sociologist work based on there expectation and trust is one thing that's gives us confidence to explore our journey through life. Of course trust isn't everything, there are many more emotions crude or refined, rude or polite, minute or large and aesthetic or ugly but all of those some up.

Expectation and Reciprocation are even important part of all the trust that you gain or put-in. To the degree you believe (s)he will reciprocate at some point in the future in some (often undefined) way, you trust her/him. Of course, past experience—with the person is always in question or with others—will affect that confidence, but in the here and now, certain behaviors and visual cues can also influence if and how much you trust someone:

Familiarity and Consistency: The more contact you have with someone, the more information you collect about him or her. The more information you have, the more confident you can be in your expectations. The more someone behaves with consistency, the better you’re able to establish patterns and form expectations.

Transparency and Flexibility.: The flip side of discretion is transparency. We want someone to keep our secrets, but not her own. Self-disclosure builds trust. Social-exchange theorists have found that people are more likely to trust someone who does not try to explicitly negotiate or force a binding agreement. (Think of the last car salesman you encountered.)

Punctuality: If someone is regularly on time, it not only signals consistency, but also general conscientiousness toward other people. .

Engagement or Face Time: Trust is based on an understood reciprocity. If someone does not even appear to invest in you, he likely doesn’t have much to lose in betraying you. Part of engaging is an effort to make “face time.”

Eye contact (this one is my favorite always does the trick for me!!): This is perhaps the biggest behavioral indicator of trustworthiness. But the quality of the eye contact, also matters. Is it steely or warm? Too much eye contact can be unnerving.

Posture: No one trusts a Slouch or Lousy person. A straight back projects an image of strength and confidence.

Of course, while these behaviors and visual cues might inspire trust, they don’t guarantee trustworthiness.That reminds me of a last lott home. I feel its not a great idea but a very very bad idea to think about such topics.