Should I or Shouldn't??

When I got my first job as a writer, I impressed myself at the start. For a little while. A very little while... I quickly realized that this was not what I wanted to be writing. It was writing articles for my group in our company, and everything sounded the same. I even used templates: insert team names here, customize this line, fit in photographs, arranging marriage dates and child birth congratulation notes. EEEEhhhhhhh, It was horrible. But yet writing :)

I managed to add some spice to that assembly line and moved up to new media: A news letter ;) The news scripts were my favorite; I actually got to be a bit creative, but even there the top management could put an end to it at a moment's notice. The websites were more administrative and editorial. Once to get an approval on a single line from the President of group took me 13 reminders to him 10 to his Secy and another few telephone calls :( By the time approval arrived the article itself became outdated as usually technologies get outdated before approval for projects arrive in my company ;)

The news letter work eventually went away due to changes at that work place, and then about a four months later, which was last November, everything changed.

I was asked to join the monthly magazine. It was like a great deal of opportunity. I had access to some of the crudest facts, plans, people and power :) - but with work, I could do (would have to do) from home. I was set free to be a writer, the creative writer that jumped out of the grass when I was of tender age. But it wasn't that simple the time lines were strict and nothing could change them. A delay from our side would have left us straight in the firing line without any cover. We were a team of 6 people. 6 people and everyone of us was just a part time writer and was time for a major release for everyone of us. The yearly issue. After 4 sleepless nights and fuzzy days I came up with 7 articles that could be brought forward for review by the team. Review went quite well 3 articles were marked to be published. Was a memorable issue for all of us.

All in all being a part of the team is one of the good things that has happened to me in past one year or so :)

That is what I've always wanted. But there is something in the way. I just can't seem to get a hold of the stories' ends. I have too many ideas to know where to start, but when I try to pick one, there is a block. Loads of shit, kinky and crappy stuffs flows out. Once a friend said I have been writing but seems only for and about other people so this. So was he sure what he was saying? Not maybe as a whole, but surely quite a bit of him was true. Now I have this splendid opportunity in front of me to be part of another team. This time expanding my horizon from one organization to Electronic Media. And now I have the opportunity to write for myself. But again I fear would I be able to write till end before something else pops in? Would I be able to do justice to my thoughts? Would it be worth it? Would my parents allow me to do so? Many questions or just, This is where I am today, trying to overcome chronic writer's block.

God had other plans.

Maybe I don't know, Maybe I'm not incharge of, Maybe all the crap that is there on face of earth is just meant for me. But still people and parents keep on saying "God had other plans".

So now I have nothing much to say :)

Just another dry leaf that has fallen from the tree.

I had a dreadfully eye-opening conversation with my dad a few days ago - a general summary of what he told me:

"You've made so much progress thus far, but I can't understand how you'll possibly survive in the real world. You remember the history very well but forget all appointments, you're room is organized but life is entirely disorganized, and you are stuck in these one-sided generalizations about work and love. The frustrating thing is, though that you refuse to acknowledge them and work on these issues. You're driving yourself into a deep depression,you're creating a handicap for yourself where you'll be incapable of working. On personal front you've been spending like a lifetime in an imaginary world. You've lost some of the best time of your life doing so and even lost warmth of many people.It is up to YOU to decide what you believe, whatever those beliefs are. So don't sell yourself short."

I've had such big dreams for years, and if his words are entirely accurate, and I do nothing about this, then I will be incapable of accomplishing those big dreams.

I hate to admit it, but I do see some fact behind his words. He means well (even though the general statement above is a bit harsh) and he wants nothing but the best for me. Let's face it: I'm awful on the phone, I have difficulty scheduling appointments and calling back people (and furthermore, knowing when to do so), and I can't understand people's expectations unless they explicitly tell me what these expectations are.

As young adults, we often feel that we can change the world the possibilities are endless but easily outnumber the opportunities. Those plans usually all come crashing down around us once we realize that we have to work as part of a team. A team that usually won't have the same goals as us. The sad fact is that by the time you reach a position of power, you're usually a "business thinker" and the spark of innovation or risk taking is gone. Even aspies who do reach a certain level of power often find that they have to either relinquish that power or accept that others simply won't do the same quality work that they expect.

Of course, I would ideally like to run my own business to not be beat down by a higher authority (this is what gets to me), but doing this even involves skills that I don't yet have or they haven't revealed themselves to me. I'm taking my traits into consideration when doing this - and it really is possible - a solitary environment where I'm surrounded by my own creativity and a few close employees and business partners is really all I need.

On personal front I just want a life spending with people who understand the importance of my principles for me and help me always keeping them intact. I don't expect people to be my crutches, rather they should be my strength.

I'm still young, so there's still time, right? If I start now, hopefully I'll be okay. I would be interested in hearing about others' experiences with adjusting to the work and personal world, if anyone reading this is interested in sharing do share.

Free from desires...

I may not be able to make it larger than life but, again how many of us would be able to do so? I would rather be happy to live confined inside my life but living life on my own condition than being part of the rat race. Eagle was I born and Eagle shall I die. Why should I even care about how much I have and even more how much I could have made. Until I'm happy with what I have its fine. Maybe in opinion of most of you this is another way of covering up failure. Let be. You know really let it be, If that soothes my heart let. My being satisfied in this world with least or nothing wouldn't help or degraded your standing in this world. So why can't you accept it?

Remember "Ehyeh Asher Ehyeh" yes, I'm what I'm. Don't you love this feeling. Free from peoples expectation, free from limits of this life, free from all the tantrums that this world throws on you. Yes free soul, same as Tom Petty 'I'm Free fallin'', Life is really good until you want it to be. I believe life is all about making choices between radio buttons. Those who think they are check boxes, they are the one living a miserable life running from pillar to post to connect all the dots that they think improve their living condition. Again can they guarantee that just when someone would reach the last dot on this 2D world the next dot wouldn't be become visible and extending the rat race by another and yet another dot?

Those who are happy are the one who contribute most to the masses. And if you're mistaking it from people who live life larger than life, think again. I don't want to take names here of people but history of mankind is flooded with people who the life in the simplest possible way and yet contributed a lot to their race their people. If can ever even make it till there I would be just more than happy. But then again the first step towards it is being happy and if living on my own conditions makes me happy and satisfied. Gotcha, I'm going to live it that way :)

Do whatever you wish too, the way you desire! Then one fine day every grief on itself would find a way out of our life. And still you think that your life is miserable and the entire universe is conspiring to screw your arse then, Sorry man you are already screwed by this thought, you are in deep shit, your condition is pathetic, you would never make it out of it. This is it. This the maximum possible negativity I can think just in order to nod to your argument to make you happy. But think again I might be an complete arse. You aren't in such a bad condition! Just look around if till now you have been living on this planet in midst of people surely you would find someone somewhere even in more pitiable state than yours. Look if they could, about whom you then thought they where poor and felt pity about them, then why can't you. So be an Eagle, spread your wings, look up into the sky and leap. But never forget Eagle has a sharpest descent too. So never look for something which is too small, when compared to the entire life that you would be living, as Eagle does for its prays and starts its descents. Rise up, if not up at-least enjoy the sail, enjoy it. No second chance, no other day, no other place would be like this. Enjoy, Live on your own terms. Live it large. Don't live trying to make it large.

Happy Life :)

Memories are bitches...

“Memory is often unfair, on account of excessive indulgence” Alessandro Perissinotto

Memory, its a bitch, I like it calling that way, that would get laid whenever you desire but would give you some of the worst moments and form another set of similar bitches to get laid with you in future.Usually things that come from your past appear more shining than they were actually or you remember just the good of what’s in your past. Sometimes you just stop and wonder what went wrong. And then you start analyzing them and then comes the worst part. Everything that happens for a good reason. Reason my foot. How come some situations no longer hold if you were so happy and/or thoughtless? We tend to forget that whatever you decide there is a reason, whatever it is and however trivial it is. Past is charming because is so sure and fixed. Future, on the contrary is always blank, or sometimes very black (obscure). Of whatever colour, you picture it, what you know about it is practically useless. But the deception stands in the fact that instead of taking a pen and writing down the blank we are suggested by bitches to sit back and stare at what is no more your life. It simply does not exist anymore. Deceivers rely on that. The reason is that if it did not make it to stay in you present maybe was not worth of it or more simply it was not so beautiful as it appears now. And that just the reason why when you satrt anlyzing a bad bitch the very next bitch that got laid would appear as nice experience although the problem was you forgot the bitchy bitch.

Self indulgence is the sin that everybody committed at least once, in my opinion, and for this reason the word "sin" is maybe too strong. well, it happens, and it happens often, you forget the name of the girl in school who first gave a you hitch, you forget what your father once told was a bad habbit and now you're addicted to it, you forget the day you joined college, you forget the day when you first kissed your girl and then you got a flat tire back home that night, and it was raining too. Or maybe you forget something more relevant, for example you fail to remember how useless your work in your office turned out to be, or why your manager chose that argument for you, or why the girl you loved so much doesn't wants someone to love her. All this just to say it's in human nature to forget something, and then your mind prefers to forget what makes it feel uneasy.

This is not always bad, sometimes it helps, sometimes it's just fine to forget why you were happy and why you were unhappy, so you can be happy again, you don't loose hope, you can make yourself think tomorrow it will be better. But what you mean here is probably the other side of the story, when you forget what you've done wrong and then do it wrong time and again, like you get caught in a loop from which escaping is very, very difficult.

A recipe to solve the issue? Probably I'm not the best person to answer this question, got too many loops of my own to have a good answer, but as long as you can analyze your past you can extract valuable experience from it, and not everything that comes out of the attic is something that says "thou shalt not." The good part about past is that you can always remember what was good back then, you can remember you were happy back at that point in space. You say, it doesn't exist any more? I'd say this is not true, time is a dimension you cannot walk on backwards, but it is still a real dimension, in my opinion and to say that I need not be a philosopher ot a physicist. Happiness is still there, it will not help you just because of this but it exists. Everything passes, but everything existed once can exist again. In the smallest canopy that is giving me run for myself is the trusted sequence of events that have worked for me in past and I hope them to work. Maybe they would create another bad bitch sometimes or quite a few times, but again, I would forget those bitches and njoy my time with those lovely bitches from good time in past in future.

Maybe few years from now I would forget all of this too, all the worst times that I'm having now, all the bloody girly excuses that I'm facing now from the girl whom I loved the most, all the crappy thoughts that are crawling from toe to head. But now I realize that "every thing happens for a reason" is perfectly fine but not neccessarily for a good one!! They do happen, and leave you with bad street bitches. Anyways njoy your time with them too, afterall they too are bitches at the end they wouldn't stay with you after the first rays of sunlight from the next day :)

I don't come with a switch!!

(**Read the first para carefully... because rest of the post posses all the powers to break any kinda relationships that we share.)

Do you feel used at times? Like an emotional backup?
Sometimes I do... and I don't exactly like that feeling. One those who think I'm there pillow who would just listen to them without revolting, go get a life. And if I do listen to you and try to keep the conversation normal then, that means this post isn't for you :) so stop reading.

When the going is good,I do not exist, I run away, I hide anything everything but I'm not there.I could be anything, anywhere, another insignificant thread that makes up life, another piece of trouble that I would creating for myself. This is the way you feel in your good times or not bad times. But when faced with adversity, I become relevant? I become an anchor to shore issues? To listen/ to advice...much like that inverter at home.No power, switch on the inverter. Else, it is just another device that gathers dust in some confine, till power goes off.

Unfortunately, I am not an inverter. I am a human being who can think and thinks a lot, and react. Makes things a lot more complicated and I can bet that you may end up in even more deep shit. And makes me wonder how people treat relationships with so much objectivity - like it is another device that helps you get through life - with an on/off switch! Relationships aren't like regular lights on which you have control. Rather it has no resemblance to anything in and around you.

Dinah Shore said " Trouble is part of your life, and if you don't share it, you don't give the person who loves you enough chance to love you enough". Personally, I think the measure of a relationship is not how much they share during adversity, I think it is how much you share when nothing of significance is happening in each others lives. That is in what I believe.

That, is the true measure of a relationship. I mean if you're in bad mood, bad shape, bad hair or even bad dress; I wouldn't mind sitting next to you and talking to you in the usual way... try to remember the last time I was in a bad mood and I didn't talked to you in the usual way. Anyways that's me and it's fault from my part to expect everyone to have a similar view. And I think some of mine score on a negative scale on this!!

I may sound like ass hole to someone, like disaster to someone but again I can't help it... at least I have told you how I feel. And if now you have started disliking me, FINE, welcome to the club :)

Thoughts tied to red and yellow threads from cieling of head...

I have all that vary thoughts dangling from colorful threads from ceiling of my head. Then I decided that I would collect these thoughts and try to write them down. I wanted to do so because of the fear of loosing those precious thoughts. Maybe in reality they aren't worth a dime but few years down the line they would be snapshot of my head now :) And who the hell in this world doesn't wants to relive their past. People obliviously obviously have different reasons to do so but I just want to preserve them just for myself so that I can revisit them in future.Anyways that's not important, what matters is what are those thoughts. Well lets begin how all that starts.

One day I met someone from an alien place. Then I started questioning her. Are you flummoxed by Physics as I am? Do you write like I do? Who is your role model? Do you know the history of your this place? Or this country? have you read To Kill a Mocking Bird? Have you watched Life is Beautiful? Are you loud, like me, or quiet, like sober me? Can I hear your soft laugh? Do you too have so many things to tell as do I? And have fear that you'll forget them? Things that maybe too trivial in few years.Do you believe in God? Well this part was all Q&A and if you're thinking that why was I asking so many questions? Then guess what, I do so always inside my mind whenever you're in front of me. But if ever I had a chance to put all those questions too you, bet me you would be nowhere near to me from the next moment :). Well these are my thoughts so they behaved the way I desire them too :)

What happened next to this conversation was some kinky fun and I believe that isn't relevant here. Next to that I was kinda preaching her. Preaching her picking up my randoms thoughts from my heads ceiling. It went as:

You have to be strong and believe in yourself, like Atticus, but with that, never loose the innocence of Scout. Never forget your ambitions, even the ones lost or changed. They have strange ways of cropping up again and fitting into your life. Am I a vet or an editor? Or do I work for the Indian Administrative Service? Never, ever make the mistake of convincing yourself that your instinct is wrong. If something looks or feels wrong, then it most probably is. Trust your instinct. Enjoy each day like it’s the last one you’ll live. Is this saying still a cliché? I dream big, and I watch my dreams fall. Right now, I have the strength to rise and so do you. So baby dream and dream and the most important don't ever forget or deny your dreams.

Is this a selfish post? In a way, yes, but it’s heartfelt.

The girl with White plastic earring and Yellow top...

There has been a voice in my head lately. Another battle begins. This time, the irrational side of me has badly beaten me. Of course, when it comes to a huge depletion in the inner-self, it's better be an impulse that cause it. It has to. So maybe I've reached nirvana today by all the pain. I hear this calling... It's been calling for me, Staring right at me.. I believe it's a sign! Again a fucking sign, haunting and daunting me. One that insists the difference between 'things good to have' and 'things must have'. I believe it has also been a battle of the mind when it comes to that.

Still the so-called rationale side of me still has that tiny bit of lucky streak over it's side and that is why she is not sitting around. This very moment, i could have been staring at it.. playing with it.. maybe even fondling with it. *ahem* I have even prepared the world. Imagined it all around me.

So many encounters just when the world was ripped apart... I believe when it is destined that you would screwed one of the big time the entire universe conspires for the same. That very and every moment I don't have any emotions and neither do I try to get one from back of my brain. But still why has it always be that way.

It has to be it. It was lost and it's meant to be found, if not, forgotten and respected for all those lovely feelings that it gave.

So this morning, again I had some intuition and I tried every way by the book trying to avoid it but, again it... darn it, would it end or another freaking sign that it wouldn't ever :(

I need a break from all this, and god trust me I'm not at all ready and prepared for all the signs or your tantrums that you're throwing on me. Any ways as usual the take away: Life is tough and can seriously burn you giving you some of the worst boils just when you thought it was as you desired.

But to overcome all that can anyone tell me a way by which I can be rational with all my principals intact and please if you know please do tell me...

Trust.

Trust!! hmm... let us see; what does trust exactly means? How do you define trust? Or a question that makes more sense, why the hell in this world do I need to explore what is trust. Maybe I don't, maybe the world is beautiful than Moon and I don;t need to add any crap more to it. But yet again and again, even without my indulgence trust is one thing that make s this society run, trust is one thing that makes a evolutionary speaking, trust is one thing that political, economist, psychologist & sociologist work based on there expectation and trust is one thing that's gives us confidence to explore our journey through life. Of course trust isn't everything, there are many more emotions crude or refined, rude or polite, minute or large and aesthetic or ugly but all of those some up.

Expectation and Reciprocation are even important part of all the trust that you gain or put-in. To the degree you believe (s)he will reciprocate at some point in the future in some (often undefined) way, you trust her/him. Of course, past experience—with the person is always in question or with others—will affect that confidence, but in the here and now, certain behaviors and visual cues can also influence if and how much you trust someone:

Familiarity and Consistency: The more contact you have with someone, the more information you collect about him or her. The more information you have, the more confident you can be in your expectations. The more someone behaves with consistency, the better you’re able to establish patterns and form expectations.

Transparency and Flexibility.: The flip side of discretion is transparency. We want someone to keep our secrets, but not her own. Self-disclosure builds trust. Social-exchange theorists have found that people are more likely to trust someone who does not try to explicitly negotiate or force a binding agreement. (Think of the last car salesman you encountered.)

Punctuality: If someone is regularly on time, it not only signals consistency, but also general conscientiousness toward other people. .

Engagement or Face Time: Trust is based on an understood reciprocity. If someone does not even appear to invest in you, he likely doesn’t have much to lose in betraying you. Part of engaging is an effort to make “face time.”

Eye contact (this one is my favorite always does the trick for me!!): This is perhaps the biggest behavioral indicator of trustworthiness. But the quality of the eye contact, also matters. Is it steely or warm? Too much eye contact can be unnerving.

Posture: No one trusts a Slouch or Lousy person. A straight back projects an image of strength and confidence.

Of course, while these behaviors and visual cues might inspire trust, they don’t guarantee trustworthiness.That reminds me of a last lott home. I feel its not a great idea but a very very bad idea to think about such topics.

Doodles

Even doodles mean something and may indicate your personality.
You may think that sketches, scribbles and squiggles you put forward onto paper unconsciously during deep thinking or during a boring lecture are nothing really. Yet on the contrary they might hold your deepest emotions. This was proven in a study during the 1930’s in a psychology paper.
Nevertheless, what they claim is whatever you sketch on the right side of the page represents your social personality and the left side your caution, while the middle symbolize how open minded or emotionally open a person you are.

And now for the various interpretations:
- Faces: Side views of faces mean you’re having problem having relations with others. Whilst happy faces mean everything is going fine, and sad faces mean not being able to cooperate with others.
- Snakes: Show physical ability or that you’re a quick thinker who’s on target most of the times.
- Drawing people without faces: Signifies absence of commitment and a sense of lost identity. You feel unappreciated by others. And you think you don’t have a strong presence or discomforted by lack of privacy.
- Squares: You don’t like the idea of being alone, and so you have the urge to befriend people.
- Flowers: You are sensitive, compassionate and concerned with everything to do with love.
- Arrows: Generally show anxiety, and if pointing upwards this signifies ambition and the ones pointing all over the place mean you’re open minded.
- Stars: Either stands for an ambitious and ready for challenges personality or to break rules to get what they want.
- Eyes: Mysterious personality. Small eyes indicate sadness, while big eyes show for a fun and humorous personality, and seductive eye lashes show for an attractive personality.
- Hearts: Stand for emotional weakness and how prone you are to emotional damage, the more drawn hearts means you’ve gone through more emotional distress or damage.
- Squiggles: May be complex or simple, and the more complex they are the more deep your thoughts were at the time you were drawing.
- Spirals: Represent motivation but also represent that the drawer is thinking of a way to trick someone and distance themselves without confrontation so as to not harm them.
- Houses: Houses with long passages before them imply courteousness and caring of the drawer, whereas short ones suggest an open and stable personality. Detailed drawings of houses give the sign of the want of perfection. As for lines that aren’t neat or the absence of windows represent an unhappy household.

I don’t necessarily agree with this, but I find it quite interesting. Some are kind of logical. If I was a person with actual free time, I’d check out my own doodles I made before in class. haha...

One Epiphany for me please!!

I kinda need enlightenment. Notice, I say "kinda" just to alleviate the graveness of the situation. I suppose to psychologically keep my "edge" in tact, even my pride. I'm quite complicated, and no it's no bragging; it gets on my nerves-- well confuses me actually and I find myself in the process of always trying to figure out myself. I know, that sentence in itself is complex.
I write to make sure that I have a time-stamp that I can look back on, and draw from for whatever reason(s). It's not for show, not for feedback, and definitely not for attention.
Lately, I've been jolted right down to the nerve. These jolts carry a message, a precious message in a bottle that has taken many sand grains down an hour glass. A piece of advice I should have already accepted for my own benefit. I should always look out for myself. I should always seek for my comfort. I should always try to better myself. Why? Because at the end of the day I am the only thing I have (family aside, of-course). Look out for yourself before you look out for others. Sure, it sounds obvious intuition. But everyday, at every unconscious window of having your guard down, you give up, petty in your eyes but essential in reality, time. Time that you should have for yourself. Time that you can never get back. Time that will chew you up and spit you out, if you don't put up a good tussle. Do your part. Do yourself a favor. Look out for yourself.

It's all about breaking the glass!!

it's all about breaking the glass!! but what glass?? even I don't know :) I read it on a magazine's cover page last night while I was passing by a news stand. But when I was in my bed past the subconscious mark the same cover page was in front me... this time it was not just a glossy piece of writing!! But then I thought I must try googling it. Still found nothing. Now this thought got more intricate the more I tried resolving it.

I don't know what is it about or what was the context of it, but still it caught my attention and caught quite seriously.

As they say "The devil that you know is better than the devil that you don't know". Once something new catches your attention and if you're unable to unravel its mystery, trust me it gets worse, worse then before.

I'm sure there are a few others out there who believe and think the way I do, but the truth is - every person that I get to know is worse than the person before, & the people that are chasing me now, are quite scary!!

I know till now I'm unable to bring what exactly is on my mind but you would have to stand with me with all my verbosity. In simple words I'm looking for an answer to a very subtle question. How far should a person go before he gets distracted by something new?? I know at this moment everyone of you would be having more or less the same answer "It depends upon after what you're". Lets look it this way, you're one very altruistic person, now you have a desire, desire to be great, big and blah blah. The way you choose to get closer to your desire has a pathway which would surely be a blow to desires or rather dreams that your beloved one's have seen for & with you. But this one chance if missed maybe in future you would get another opportunity, not as grand this one, to get closer your desire. So what do you do?? would you leave this evil opportunity and hope for another cleaner opportunity?? Who knows the next time a similar or maybe even grander opportunity knocks your door and maybe then you would be in more slimy situation then now!!

How far? I mean how far do think before taking a risk or faking the risk? Whenever I used to be in a situation where I had choices to make and risk to be taken, I never thought. I just took the first path and made the first choice. Maybe that's the reason why I have ended up here.

People with time evolve. I wouldn't say change, because the change happens for good. So by our evolution everything changes inside us. That gives us the motivation to change the demography in which we live. But again this change to was resultant of a choice made and risk taken. If every change used to happen for some good the surely every person should have been happy with the way choose to spend their life's.

My ability or say weakness to question every other thing at the start leads me into a blown up bubble of thoughts. Damn that line "it's all about breaking the glass!!" too led me to such a bubble. I wouldn't be shocked if die of thinking.

Now I again I ask the same question "How far should some one go, go to find answers to the questions in his head?" Reply me guys. This time I don't want to make the first choice or take the first risk that comes in front of me. I want to be bit thought full this very time and hence.

I want to win!!

It is a peculiarly human trait. We can know from the examples of others, but we only truly learn from our own lives. So every lesson must be found in the debris of failure, every dream must have its roots in the depths of defeat. Everything else is transient, superficial, an idle wish that will be extinguished in the violent gusts of fate.

The pursuit of victory is ennobling. It is a purging of yourself from the seduction of the mundane. Sacrifice is essential. It is only in the giving up of the valuable that you let yourself know that which is most valuable. But isn't that the hardest thing to do? Not really. Not when you know you're on the right path, towards the dream that keeps you awake at night. And when you are, every sacrifice along the way is easy.

Along the way, there are defeats. Not once, nor a few, but necessarily several. Large soul-shattering ones, and small repeated nagging ones; both kinds testing your resolve, again and again. But there is a silver lining. That they do more than test you. They teach.

But what does it take? Everything. A deceptively simple answer, yet a potent secret. A well-known secret, like so many others in life.

To win. To be called a winner. To not be amongst the vast majority of non-winners that mankind is comprised of. If you haven't won, have you necessarily lost? A question none of us want to face. And so we all want to win.

Access to my half done character...

Once I was so thin that my head looked bigger than my body, then I became so fat that my head looked like a small mushroom growing from a misshapen rock. One day I attained the proportionate size when my head matched my body and that day I died, a swift death, like snapping shut a book before finishing it.

I don’t throw away the blunt people or used ends of old lipsticks and kohl of my mother and sisters. One reason is that I loved the names of these lipsticks, they have pretty names - Coral Kiss, Crushed Almonds, Mocha, Frosted Cherries, Peach Passions and Fruits & Nuts. I use them to write on mirrors. Lipsticks and Kohl give a smudgy effect, they can be layered, blended and rubbed off easily. And hey, let me remind you that knowing names of all this brands doesn't makes me a gay. It is all due to my curious nature.

I am bit bulgy now, with the head the size of a small cashew nut. I’m afraid that someone might try and pick my brain since its only the size of a nut, someone might mistake it to be a real nut, not that there is much difference.

I, the half-done character, am waiting breathlessly for the mind to get back to reality.But he is still floating in that rainbow-colored cloud.

I cannot fit in anywhere because no story has been written that could include me as a character. So to those who say that I can write on my own life, I'm really sorry at this point. I’m oddly hanging in the mid air like a paper decoration, waiting to be unfolded into a three dimensional form and fitted into a plot. She is back and giving me her full attention. I am acquiring more and more details as the train passes each station. A soft, gauzy sun lightens the compartment.

I love to sink my fingers into a jar of mayonnaise and lick my fingers whenever a cake is being made. It is a stupid detail to be attributed to my character but since it has been added, I have to stick to it.

I'm distracted by the fresh smelling, immaculate white book reposing inside my bag. I had picked it up from a posh book store. The cover had a lovely picture of a flock of birds flying, it was one of my favorite authors too. And birds reminds me of her as her name means a "A Bird".

Balanced it on my knee and scrawl: “Why is that all of us are obsessed with contriving reasons for our every action, thought, feeling? Why is purposelessness associated with negativity? And always under the list of the ’shouldn’t be’s? Why am I writing about the same crap over and over again? Is it a mediocre, micro-cosmic version of the myth of Mahabharata? am I trapped in it? in this eternal repetition, while the world moves on?”

I lay forgotten between the pages, one among my many incomplete creations. I picked up the new book lovingly and started to read. Outside a damp, sultry morning was slowly baking the landscape.

I will die!!

I’m no one in particular, a figment of a chronicler’s imagination, a bit of me is inspired by the chronicler’s mother - not the fat and thin part, but the mirror-writing part. The rest of me is a roughly sketched character, manifested as a result of having too much time and the limited scope of activities inside a moving train.

This particular train is always full of interesting people, not like the usual long distance trains filled with sleepy old men, large noisy families, inquisitive women and sniveling kids.

There is an aspiring rock band practicing quietly in one corner, the guys were almost identical with carefully messed up hair to give the effect of carelessness, cute goatees and metal earrings, a deliciously good-looking army officer is reading the newspaper in one corner, in another corner a pair of old men were playing chess with an exquisite chess-set made of soap stone I guess, an adolescent was reading ‘war and peace’ and a foxy faced woman was embroidering a lovely gray shawl with silver and black thread.
It was a nice train, speeding across the cold, dark landscape slowly turning a pale pink as the dawn broke over the sky.

I’m evolving, attaining little pieces of attributes until I become so real that the chronicler will start believing that I’m her old friend. This might go on till one day I disappear to no-where, just like I appeared, having no past, no background, no memories, no pondering.

I will die!! but before that I have to travel many miles...

ego, ego, ego...

What a pathetic, make-believe world of gossamer egos some people construct for themselves: occupied space of mammoth insecurities, hollow, wanna-be-relationships, and cardboard-cut-out crap. Monstrous nobodies living alone in fragile, self-constructed fantasies, polluted with self-important words, self-created philosophies, inflicting their nothingness on anyone bold enough to threaten it, careless enough to walk through it, befriended sufficiently to know their worth, surrounded by love, love, and more love, and unfazed by an ego cut loose, who believes it is all-consuming and ferociously mighty, but who in fact has all the depth and anger of a shallow, autumn-borne puddle. When such an ego explodes in violence and rents the air with vile shards of scattering falsities which explode at the touch of truth, I'll react by crushing the air out of the space they occupy and reduce them to nothingness: at least in my vicinity.

Because in the end, not every person is worth time, space, and thought: especially the insecure shreds of a former whole heart, soul, and insides who feel threatened by one whose space is locked down, secure, and infallible, only because of depth, truth, love, and knowledge.

Because despite what the ad says, some people are, ultimately, simply not worth it....

Hmmm... what have I uttered sounds godly even to me, But the fact is that it prevails in everyone of us & we all cradle 'ego' in some or the other form. So forget everything written above and continue enjoying a none idlistic life.

Anger off Hanger!!

I feel dumb reading my past posts.
It like I'm talking to myself as I read through the each of them, the private ones too, and I say, "What? How could I ever say that?" "Dude, I was the immature one." "Life's good."
You see? It's all so... weird.

I'm going to pick random topics. And talk about them.

Friends:
I'm scared. That the friends I met, and have known since I remembered, will leave me one day. I'm scared. That I will never see them again. I'm scared. That it IS the fact that we are only friends because we had school together, we had boozed together & we fought over nothing. I'm scared. That once we leave a place, it will all be over, and I have to meet new people, and try to make new friends. I'm scared. That I won't even know who's my friend anymore, and I won't have anyone to have a shoulder to lean on, and talk to, and cry to. I know you all find me annoying, and most of you just want to shot me in the face most of the time, no matter how much of a dog I am. I just really can't control it..

Girls:
This is what goes on with these stupid relationships, and, "Oh I like her a lot," and that good shit. Boys think girls are complicated and will never be able to fully please them another matter what we do because we're annoying dogs. GIRLS think guys are also hard to figure out because they never do anything, I don't think I should bitch about it now. Or anymore at all. Because I'll just never figure them out along with girls figuring boys out. This is why we're called boys and girls are called girls. We weren't meant to ever understand each other. That is it.

Money:
So I have a feeling. I really am becoming a money whore. I don't know if I can handle a job either. I always fuck sometime up, and if I DO get the job after this then I don't know if I'll manage... I need a bank amount. I need to start saving up. I need to get over this..

People from the Past:
Stop thinking I should be involved in your life anymore.
Stop talking shit behind my back.
Stop acting like a total fake in front of me.
Stop pretending to be my friend.
Stop talking to me.
Stop looking at me in the hallways.
Start growing up.

Writing:
Its frustrating... I am at loss of words, quite literally! How much hard I try, and how much badly I want to, but I simply am not able to write! 'Writers block' is what I have heard a lot about, but dude... I aint no writer, am just a stupid fellow off the street, wanting to vent his thoughts.
So whats stopping me? Nothing, absolutely nothing but a small mass of shit, ruling from right at the top of this huge frame of body. Yeah, a mass of crap which is behaving for quite some time now! No real activity at the top, dumbness galore, I feel numb at times, by the sheer neglect it shows to any signal to work, to act, to think, to basically do the bare minimum and the simplest of the promised jumbo set of super-specialty tasks!!
It simply refuses to budge, no activity, no response, no signal... at times I feel like I bloody lost it in some crowded place and forgot to search for it! Also a high probability that I lost the communication channel to it somehow! Number changed? Network Down? Just a simple plain dumb unplugged? Don't bloody know!!
Yeah, I miss it! I just hope its a simple rusting issue, and not a major one like complete loss! But I miss it, it was good till it was there, served fairly well. Used to be quite responsive, sometimes I felt proud of it as well. Ahhh... I really miss it :(
Hope I figure out some way to get it back soon!

Life:
I am happy. That's all that should matter.
And that's how it should stay.

Insanity & Me

Someone once said:

"When you fall in love you go into a state of insanity where you lose control of yourself, consciously or unconsciously. What matters is you fall in love with someone who won't take advantage of your insanity but will respect you and take the responsibility of being loved by an insane person."

I feel that the above lines are the most appropriate description of what happens after the fall. INSANE hmm... very true... through all my life I used to see people doing, thinking even feeling bizarre things when the bug bite them. During those days I used to feel how can someone be so insane? I just had a feeling that either you are in love or you aren't so why to act insanely.

But as they say experience is something that has the potential to change everything. In the initial part of my life before the fall I was a happy-go-lucky type of boy. Even my superior pointed out how carefree I could be. But aside from being easygoing, I like to believe that I'm still capable of being earnestly thoughtful when the situation requires me to be one. As much as possible I shy away from seriousness of life because the subjects are both too simple and too complex for me. So that was already insane enough for today's world and all that happened after the fall. It made me completely vulnerable for the entire world.

Why vulnerable? Let me explain:
"happy-go-lucky" I was happy go lucky kind of a boy but since my fall I have become a person who believes in luck so much that even the almighty would shy away from that feeling of mine. I know if someday I meet god he wouldn't have anything to offer to me from the stores of love because believing in luck has made me a complete sorry ar*e in this department. For rest I'm fine and on my toes.

"easygoing" Since I was wounded by cupids arrow I have acted such insanely in front her that if even she had forbearance of Mahatma(Gandhi) she would killed me for all that insanity that I have showed her(I don't know what stops her from doing so). Sweetheart you are one kind soul I can tell.

"earnestly thoughtful" I don't have much to say on this. It's just that on an average day I take out time to think as much as I used to do it in an year few months back.

"shy" on this I miss the title of King of Shyness as we don't have one & my gender doesn't allows me to have the title of Queen of Shyness. I'm pretty sure that even the Mimosa leaves would be a thousand times much bolder than me. Call me a jerk, nut or an ar*e now even I have accepted it.

At the end you must be thinking why am I writing all this while I could have used this space to describe all the rocket science I keep on doing day long.But the fact is I don't do any rocket science or I'm involved in any sort of artistic dime. The matter of fact is I'm in love & I can proudly say I haven't fallen rather risen in it. At times I'm a visionary and the very next moment I feel like a denied child. I have faith in my insanity & all my love. Trust me this is not at all INSANE...

I love...

I love WRITING. I think that goes without saying but there you go. I like reading too. As much as I love writing, I guess. Singing is another favorite activity. Dancing with my friends too. Cooking soothes me.My friends always laugh at me when I daydream my life. It keeps me entertained. I love watching movies/TV series. I have this tendency to deliberately postpone watching a particular movie if my friends keep on urging me to watch the said film. I just remembered the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Friends kept on telling me to watch the movie. I always make non-committal promises but my curiosity was stirred. When they stop suggesting the movie, I watched the film. I'm such a brat. :-)

I also love thinking about the future. Daydreaming? Planning? I dunno. I can stay up all night just thinking and planning what to do the next day, the next week, the next year. It doesn't matter to me if my plans are not all fulfilled. What's important, at least for me, is the fact that I have a vision and I quite know what I want in life.

I love shopping. Shopping-Shopping minus Window-shopping . I enjoy looking at pretty things. It doesn't have to be a book, a dress or a pair of shoes (though, these are my favorites). I enjoy strolling even at the kitchen and appliance area of the store. I'm such a mall rat.

Another activity that I really, really like to do is to make little surprises for my loved ones. I smile at the thought of making them happy. If someone borrows a book from me, I usually insert little notes of friendship or personal messages. Sometimes, I leave hi's and hello's at my friends. They don't have to see the note after I wrote them. I specially like the feeling when a phone call or a text message of thanks from them will color my ordinary days. I also love sending flowers and snail mails. I want to send a blue rose to her office someday ;-)

Another thing that I like to do is to listen. Even when I'm working, I like to listen at the lull of the music. I like to listen to some particular songs when I'm taking a bath. I like to listen at the sound of the pouring rain. I like to listen at my loved one's stories- my parent's endless chats about what they're doing when I go home, my friends' anecdotes and tales of their love life and problems. Listening comes first for me than talking.

When I look back I find nothing that I hate. I fall in love with people, things, places, events everything rather very easily. I welcome everything with a open heart in my life. But here there is something I hate the most, People bitching about each other. I have feeling that if you're not righteous you start bitching about people to cover your wrongness. Why do I have to envy someone when by some hard work, dedication and some spice of luck I can achieve almost everything.Anyways who cares about all those thy and thees.

I love my life, and my vision for life. If you would trust me that's the reason I have such a big friend circle. So fall in love with your life and see how good everything would turnout to be. Let's call it a end after all I'm not a philosopher to unravel all this to you I know you know it already. So in the end just keep loving to be loved.

middle emotions.

In life or say daily you don't cradle extreme feelings for everyone or everything. So, what are this intermediate feelings? I tried looking for this 'neutral feelings' but found nothing. Instead I read something interesting about 7 different emotions of human being. woooo.... first of all why only 7? even the color grey has many, a lot or can say innumerable no of shades. I feel something indifferent about it and I take only three of those types described there instead of all 7.

Then, an innocuous question I asked, "what wud u call no feelings for someone or something? neutral love?? " snowballed into a major controversy :P But what was on your mind?? What do you really mean by neutral love?? Why the hell such a stupid thing even crossed your mind?? What do you mean by controversy?? I know, I know, u wanna swarm me with many questions, but please bear with me for sometime, I'll try to answer all your queries :->

Well, first, think about it, what is love?? I know, the same old stupid Sharukh Khan question, so we won't go deep into it, a simple definition says, love is "a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend". Simple, aint it ;-> Ok, so u have a feeling of attachment, or affection called love, now what is meant by hate?? Simple, a strong dislike for something is hate, in other words, its just the opposite of love!! Its all pretty simple haan, aint it?? But alas, its us dear friends, human beings, living in complex maze of emotions, and
feelings, which cant be summed up so simply, right? But don't worry, we will try to unravel the mysteries ;->

In that case, lets give it a try again, there's love, and then its opposite is called hate, and hate is also defined as "neutral apathy". Ahh, interesting, a new phrase, neutral apathy, so what's apathy now?? :O Well, very simply, apathy is "a state of indifference". So, a neutral state of indifference is hate(!!) and opposite of it is love(wooo.... so that means if you don't hate me implies you love me.... ahh cut the crap dk.)!!

Well, now I am not going back to these definitions, but for sure, it cant be these three extremes(yes, 3 extremes, its human emotions, remember?? cant wait for more to come!!!), love, hate, and indifference?? So, what else?? Lets c, so what do you call an emotion, which doesn't qualify for love, but for sure it is some emotion(apathy is too boring u c :P) did I hear liking?? Yeah, here it comes, you may not absolutely love someone or something, but you may still like it, right? OK, so u reduce the proportions of love, and u reach liking, and u reduce it further u reach
indifference or apathy, and reduce it even more(negative), u reach hate!! Wait a sec, do you really reach hate so easily?? I mean, is there not any equivalent of likeness in negative?? :O Guess there is, a simple dislike.

Uff, its becoming more confusing!! Ahh, I am now having an apathetic feeling towards life, guess am off to Himalayas, for the true apathy, "a state of mortification" : And regarding your queries, as they say, "sab moh maya hai" :P

I need someone to define 'evrything' for me!!

In the wee hours of day I had fallen asleep,Then suddenly on an voyage of dream I met him!! The God himself, and he asked me, "What do u want, Vats"? God dk!! Can't be true, he was standing there, right in front of me, asking for my wish :O

Ummmmm,mmmm....... after much thought,all I could utter, and that too, barely managed a murmur, "all I want is everything". Ahh, what did I ask for? Nothing much yaar just everything, after all he is god, he knows everything, you simply cant hide anything from him. Well, still he asked me something, that shook me, literally woke me, with shock, was what it took me.He asked me, "can you define any single thing, that would constitute your `everything`?". What??? No, it cant be, you don't expect such stupid questions, that too from god himself!! and you thought that "Mensa's" first member must have been his almighty himself!!


With all the courage I gathered during this dream, and the conviction that I had, through my IQ which was definitely greater then 'GOD', as what appeared to me as of then, I gave him the look, bordering precisely on surprise, shock, and sympathy, and with a Popeyeishly curved mouth asked him, "What??", "Define what?" and then started staring at him, waiting for his trillion rupees smile to switch over to nana patekar's anger, but instead got a sheepish smile, and a look bordering very precariously between, a no-teeth harmless and cute, childish smile, to again a no-teeth harmless, but well studied, experienced smile of an old man. And very calmly, he asked again, "yes my dear, can you define the things, that will constitute your everything? Do you want every single penny that will give you power to buy all the things, money can buy, or would you be happy to have every single nation under your flag, or having every single present, past and future living being as your slave will satisfy your need for everything?? Can you in the world define what constitutes your idea of everything?"

Now that's one insane thought.I asked for a simple, plain, no-nonsense thing, everything! If you don't have enough powers, or courage, then please, dont try to fool me into these stupid definitions. Hey hey hey, whats this weird laughter all about? Well, was it me or him, I don't know, cant say(:O), but he left, laughing like the 'roil' and telling me to think about it!!

Think about what, I need everything man, and it was you, who asked me for my wish, and now, all this? I just need everything........

Yep, I know, my tracks stuck on everything, and quite frankly, am not able to think what would constitute this everything!! All the money... nah, there are somethings money can't buy! All the love... hey, but can even god promise you that??? don't know....

Well, guess my first wish would be to be able to meet someone, who can define for me, this thing that we call, everything! But once again, who will it be?? Please god, if you can help me meet, for once, that someone, life, I think the only one, who possibly can help me understand things....


Arghhh, he is laughing till now, thankfully, have stopped rolling, just smiling, don't no what, cant say why :( Hey god, I know I will be able to count your teeth as well, the day I meet life :)